Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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