found the other keg... it's in the tree
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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