We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
