I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
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Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
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I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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