Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
