The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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