you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
