You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
