u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
