The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
