I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
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