Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
