I think I am morally bankrupt
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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