meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
