I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
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There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
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She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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