I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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