I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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