How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
