the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Randomize
