im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
