tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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