the condom got lost in my hair
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
