if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i would one night stand the shit outta him
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
