woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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