We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
