I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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