i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
