I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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