I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
