Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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