At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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