I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
