I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
