i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
