She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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