At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
