i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
