we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
