the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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