I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
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