Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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