ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize