dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
