well I can't set my house on fire every night
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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