On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
