Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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