No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
