Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
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I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
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You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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