i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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