I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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