I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
