we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
3pm strippers are depressing
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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