things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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