Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
