I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
My bed smells like the plague
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
