I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Everclear isn't food dammit
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
