I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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