with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
why is half of my head shaved?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
